that thing

"shit is hard."

and I too feel that. beat. hate,

the words I

use because I can feel them

stuck to my hands.

im getting turned down

and over

and off

and getting spanked

for being too much

in too little a space

that I can’t or won’t leave

and I can’t and won’t love

like my hands pressing something that isn’t mine

into my chest

that thing

thump

one. two.

I’m getting turned down by smiles.

why does she try?

when I don’t and won’t and

it’s that we both.

lied and though

I knew

and she knew

what it was

it is still

a surprise everytime,

that thing.